Q. Is it rude to say “OK, do you have anything else you need to tell me”?
answered by Wayne Willingham, Guitarist, Singer/songwriter (1968-present)
I married Jennie in 2002, after meeting six months earlier. It was the third marriage for each of us.
I was clearing an old computer of hers that we were giving away, and asked her to make sure that there were no documents, etc. that she should keep. She reviewed the computer for a few minutes, and gave me the go-ahead to purge. When I looked at the documents folder, there was one file missing that I’d noticed before, called Anullment.doc or some such. It was in the Recycle bin – I didn’t open it. I left the computer exactly as it was.
I stewed on it for about an hour, and decided that I needed to ask about it.
I tried to be sensible and respectful, explaining what I saw, and that I didn’t look at the contents of the file, and I asked for an explanation. She said that it was a brief marriage – a family friend that she had also invited to a party at our house (?!) She strongly asserted that since it was annulled, it was as if it never happened, so she didn’t think it was anything that I needed to know.
My thinking was that she gets off on a technicality, but I didn’t think it was very honest of her. I then asked, “Is there anything else I need to know?” Jennie said, “No, that’s about it.” I told her that I would put it behind us, that we’re married, and that’s that. Everything went back to normal.
A few months later at a football game, her adult son accidentally spilled the beans that she had been married to TWO different guys named Ron. My quick mental inventory was David, Ian, and me – but no “Ron”. He apparently thought that I already knew, and I didn’t let on.
Back at home, just Jennie and me, I confronted her with, “How many Rons did you marry?” Her instant response: “Who ratted me out?” I explained it, and pretty much insisted; No more games. I have a right to know each of your marriages, and right now.
She explained that I was her SEVENTH husband. I don’t remember the other names – I was numb. I asked why she hid that from me, and her answer was, “Then you wouldn’t want to marry me!” My response was that it should have been my decision to make.
Gradually, the person I married disappeared, replaced by a depressed and argumentative clone. I couldn’t trust anything she told me, or as she described, I “developed trust issues”. Do ya think? I tried to get past it, but even if I would set it aside, she’d bring it up and try to defend it. Eventually, I filed for divorce, which was final in April 2004.
Why tell this story? Because I didn’t frame one question correctly (see above): “Is there anything else I need to know?” should have been, “Were there any more marriages or annulments?”
But if someone is trying to deceive, they will usually succeed. At first.
ADDENDUM 11 April 2020: I appreciate the many comments and discussions that my answer has prompted, and I hope there’s something positive for someone.
My answer has been distributed to (doing the math…) 2.2 MILLION members in Quora Digest, read by almost 400,000, and has over 2700 upvotes. By the sheer numbers, people are going to have opinions, and I expect that I’ll get criticism. And yes, there have been some (only a few) rude comments that I’ve removed. The difference between me and them is that I WAS THERE. I lived it. I tried to keep it brief and accurate. That leaves out a lot of nuance, but that would get tedious in a hurry. Thanks for understanding. I’ll answer any serious question, I guess.
Please understand: This is now a distant memory, and nothing that affects me emotionally. I’m single, had a couple good relationships with delightful ladies, and life is good. My ex has not remarried, which I would think is a positive – I know nothing else of her personal life. None of my business. I wish her well.
Thanks again. Be safe. Wash your hands.
source : Quora